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Reflections

  • tossought
  • Oct 8
  • 4 min read

OK ok, I'm officially moving my post date to Thursdays instead of Wednesdays. It turns out with my current schedule, Wednesdays just aren't conducive to finalizing posts to be published! I've been trying to draft them during the week and post them on Wednesdays, but it's going to make more sense for me to write the things on Wednesdays, and give myself Thursday morning to look them over before they publish.


Anyway, here is this week's post! Next week and onward (until my class schedule shuffles again, at least), anticipate new posts landing I Thursday's!



A photo over a canal. The sky is a uniform grey. The water is perfectly undisturbed, reflecting that grey sky perfectly. In the distance, a boat approaches, trailing a V of ripples in its wake
A photo over a canal. The sky is a uniform grey. The water is perfectly undisturbed, reflecting that grey sky perfectly. In the distance, a boat approaches, trailing a V of ripples in its wake

The season is changing! It feels like overnight, the world went from sunny and hot to cold and grey. Dont get me wrong: cold and grey is my favorite weather, especially if there's rain involved. But just a week ago I was still seeing people out and about in T-shirts and caps, and now I've seen my fair share of mittens and scarves.


The trees outside my window are turning yellow and orange, though many in the city are still clinging to their green for now. I hope I can capture the shades of red and gold as they come, but I know the window to do so will be small, and I may not find a good place to photograph them before they disappear.


The colder weather has meant fewer people milling downtown and clogging the side streets, too. Tourists tend to go inside when the weather is shit, and locals don't linger in the rain either. That means there has been plenty of good walking and city-admiring to be had for little ol' me.


I visited the Auschwitz Memorial in Wertheim Park, for instance, and was one of only three or four people there, in a park I usually see quite full with visitors and commuters both. I spent some time wandering under the broad arms of the trees that watch over the monument, and listened to the wind rustle their leaves in the unusual quiet. Those little moments of unexpected solitude are both beautiful and melancholy. If the ground hadn't been wet from rain, I might have sat under the trees for a time and sketched. As it was, I did my reflecting while wandering along the canal - where my only company was a pair of swans, who alternated in eyeing me suspiciously.


Two swans resting in a canal, and four ducks slightly farther off shore. One of the swans stares at the camera and its holder directly.
Two swans resting in a canal, and four ducks slightly farther off shore. One of the swans stares at the camera and its holder directly.

I decided to walk my commute that day: I'd take the train in because it was so foggy when I awoke, and by the end of classes, I was antsy and anxious, and I figured a walk would help. I intended to pick up the team a little ways into my walk, but needed the cool weather and solemnity of the day enough that I walked the three miles instead, picking my way around the city rather than through it. No regrets. Amsterdam is a very good city for wanderers.



This week I have been beset with worries about the future: both on a global scale while reading with horror the headlines coming from the US, and on a personal level, not knowing what the implications those headlines will have on my future plans here. That winding walk through the Auschwitz Memorial was a poignant reminder of the consequences of fascist rise to power. After my walk, I promptly made an appointment with an immigration attorney for his legal advice on the safest way to move forward. I've re-evaluated some goals and made priorities for the immediate future: passing my classes is priority one, of course, but quickly following that is developing an income. Whether my husband is able to emigrate and work quickly or not, I will need a way to fund my continuing education in order to maintain my residency. I haven't shared specifics on this blog like I did during my initial fundraiser, but I am paying for my education with private US loans. And come next September, I will need to pay another year's tuition - €12,500 - as well as find new housing, as my current location has a strict 12-month limit.


So. Lots to think about this week, and to worry about. Though it is easier to muddle through those worries when my day-to-day life is enjoyable and fulfilling. I am ecstatic to be studying again, regardless of the age gap between me and (most of) my classmates. The sheer amount of Stuff in my brain at any given moment is alarming in a good way. I don't think I ever fully appreciated being a student when I was younger, and having access to all of the knowledge, resources, and experience of experts at essentially mmy beck and call. I certainly am not taking this second degree for granted: it's been a joy to learn again.


That's all I have for this week! Thank you as always for stopping by and checking in, and I hope you and yours are well. Stay warm, stay safe, and I'll see you in the next one!




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Please support your community in these frightening times, and, if needed, reach out for support yourself. We are stronger together.












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